FEATURE
We Can't All Be Impostors
By Cassie Myers Illustrations by Sierra Ferrato, '23 Studio Art, Preparation for Teaching.
FEATURE
We Can't All Be Impostors
By Cassie Myers Illustrations by Sierra Ferrato, '23 Studio Art, Preparation for Teaching.
It鈥檚 telling that a lot of the metaphors used to describe impostor syndrome have to do with illness, disease and infection. One professor describes it as a 鈥減oison.鈥� Another remembers it 鈥渃reeping its ugly head鈥� around a corner to torment her. A student describes it as 鈥渇estering,鈥� like a gaping wound.
You are a fraud, impostor syndrome whispers. You didn鈥檛 earn your spot here 鈥� at this school, this job, this master鈥檚 program. You don鈥檛 deserve any success because at heart, you are a failure.
But as Karin Jeffery, senior lecturer in psychology and sociology at San Jos茅 State, points out, impostor syndrome doesn鈥檛 stop there. 鈥淎long with that, you have the fear that you'll get caught any minute: outed, discovered, humiliated and kicked out of whatever situation you're in.鈥�
Students seeking counseling services 鈥渕ay not explicitly mention that they want to address issues related to impostor syndrome,鈥� as Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) director Kathy Lee explains. 鈥淭heir concerns might actually manifest as issues related to self-esteem, self-confidence or anxiety. Individuals dealing with impostor syndrome tend to downplay their qualifications and experiences, attributing their achievements to luck or external factors. These individuals also tend to blame themselves for negative situations, attributing them to personal inadequacies or incompetence.鈥�
In some ways impostor syndrome is intense self-doubt, something that every human being has experienced at one time or another. But when that self-doubt is tied to questions of education and intelligence, it can have terrible impacts on both individual students and faculty. And those impacts can ripple outwards to affect institutions and communities and, eventually, the world.
If something in your mind is constantly telling you you鈥檙e not good enough, why bother to try? Who鈥檚 to say how many brilliant minds, inventions and people we鈥檝e lost along the way to something so pernicious but seemingly small as impostor syndrome?
And naturally enough, this poison often infects the most vulnerable students: women, individuals from historically marginalized communities, first-generation college students, transfers from community college or people from lower socio-economic backgrounds. Not everyone from these backgrounds experiences impostor syndrome, of course, and not everyone from more privileged upbringings is immune from it.
There are as many journeys into impostor syndrome as there are out of it. But here we offer some options for anyone who鈥檚 suffering (or has suffered, or will suffer) from impostor syndrome.
Talk about it
鈥淚f you name impostor syndrome and actually call it what it is, it becomes less of a deep, dark secret,鈥� says Jeffery. 鈥淎nd as soon as you talk openly about it, you discover that it's not unique to you.鈥�
鈥淭alking about it helps,鈥� agrees Serena Ortiz, 鈥�22 BS, 鈥�24 MS Biology, who came to 91传媒厂 as a community college transfer and started a Ph.D. program at UC Davis this fall. 鈥淚 held it in for so long that it festered within me. And it wasn't until I talked about it out loud that I realized, 鈥榃ow, I think so negatively of myself.鈥欌��
鈥淚t leaks into every facet of life,鈥� she explains. 鈥淚t鈥檚 not something you can get rid of overnight. It鈥檚 something that is forever evolving, so even as you advance in your career it's going to show itself in many different ways.鈥�
鈥淚t's something that you need to have the mental tools to deal with. And I think people don't realize that if you don't feel like you deserve something, you're going to unconsciously do things that mean you don't achieve those things that you deserve to achieve. It led to a lot of self-sabotaging [for me].鈥�
In Ortiz鈥檚 experience, impostor syndrome was an 鈥渁ccumulation of insecurities鈥� she felt from various sources, including being the first person in her family to get a master鈥檚 degree and coming to 91传媒厂 from community college.
鈥淲hen I told people I came from community college, there was just this certain air [to their responses],鈥� she remembers. 鈥淭hat definitely made me feel weird.鈥�
So she spoke about it: to mentors, peers and counselors. And these discussions helped her discover that at one time or another, many of the professors she most admired had felt the same things she had.
鈥淭alking about it with a mentor can be really helpful, just having someone other than yourself speak against those negative thoughts you've created about yourself,鈥� she says. During her time studying in the lab of Katie Wilkinson, professor of biological sciences, Ortiz learned about Wilkinson鈥檚 own journey, which also made a huge difference. 鈥淚t really helps to see how someone you connect with made it through,鈥� she explains. 鈥淵ou need that physical proof that it鈥檚 okay and you鈥檒l also make it through.鈥�
She also credits CAPS counselors for their support. They were familiar with impostor syndrome, she says, and knew how to help.
And she鈥檚 certain she wouldn鈥檛 have made it as far as she has without her peers at the Wilkinson lab, who she says uplifted her. No doubt they鈥檒l help her again, and they鈥檒l lean on her in turn, a whole community dedicated to uplifting one another.
鈥淚f you name impostor syndrome and actually call it what it is, it becomes less of a deep, dark secret. And as soon as you talk openly about it, you discover that it's not unique to you.鈥�
鈥� Karin Jeffery
Fake it till you make it
But Ortiz didn鈥檛 just discuss her feelings of impostor syndrome: She acknowledged them without letting them dictate her actions.
鈥淚 learned to fake it till you make it,鈥� she explains. 鈥淚 just kept putting my all into my lab work and my science. And eventually I became the person that I was really wanting to become. I think I pretended to be her until she was finally actualized. And that was when a lot of these negative thoughts started silencing themselves.鈥�
She went on to become lab director for Wilkinson鈥檚 lab. She won the CSUBiotech Eden Graduate Student Researcher Award. And her experience with impostor syndrome over the years has become easier to handle, partly because of these outward successes.
She acknowledges that these feelings will probably never go away entirely 鈥� she expects to encounter them again as she begins her Ph.D. 鈥� but at least now she feels equipped to deal with them.
Reframe your thoughts
Professors are another line of defense against impostor syndrome, the white blood cells that help fight the disease. And they鈥檙e uniquely placed to do so; they鈥檝e been on both sides. Most professors, at one time or another, have experienced impostor syndrome, and most of them have found some way to make their peace with it, even as they progress in their careers.
Lesther Papa, assistant professor of psychology at San Jos茅 State, is one such professor. 鈥淵ou better believe that I felt very much like an impostor [in graduate school],鈥� he says. 鈥淚 didn't see a lot of people from Hawaii getting into graduate programs, or people with Filipino immigrant families like mine in a doctoral program. Even in the places that I lived geographically, I was constantly reminded that I'm not from there, because I went to school in Arizona and then Utah before coming to the Bay Area.鈥�
He was the first in his family to go away to college, the first to fill out a FAFSA form, the first to graduate from a public high school in the U.S. And this feeling of 鈥渇irst,鈥� which some would consider an accomplishment, can provoke feelings of impostor syndrome in many students. Papa sees it in his all the time, and he doesn鈥檛 try to fight it; instead, he believes in reframing.
鈥淚 get students who say, 鈥業'm going to be the first in my family to finish school or the first to apply for a graduate program,鈥欌�� he explains. 鈥淎nd of course, it makes sense to think, 鈥榃ell, I'm doing it and nobody else did. Maybe I shouldn't have.鈥� But I'm trying to help them flip the narrative from 鈥楳aybe I shouldn't have鈥� to 鈥楳aybe I just need to be the first.鈥�
鈥淚 tell them, 鈥業t's not that you didn't deserve it. Because you鈥檝e done things that no one else has done, you unfortunately don't have a role model. So you have to be that for yourself.鈥� And then that opens up a very different conversation.鈥�
Jeffery echoes this: 鈥淚 definitely talk about impostor syndrome in my teaching because I've experienced it for as long as I can remember, and I still do. I'm very open about this with my students. It's eye-opening for them to discover that even their faculty, who may look very successful, can still have these huge reservoirs of self-doubt they have to live with and manage.鈥�
She also points out that some students suffer because of explicit external factors, like teachers or authority figures telling them they鈥檙e not good enough. 鈥淪ome impostor syndrome comes from supposedly trustworthy authority figures expressing destructive and unfounded opinions that doom students at a very formative, vulnerable stage of their development. Lesther and I have to be an antidote for that,鈥� she explains.
鈥淪o I think our job is partly to say, 鈥楾hat was an inappropriate comment and completely unjustified. And what I see from my perspective, having dealt with many, many students over the years, is that you absolutely have what it takes.鈥欌��
Embrace failure
Both Papa and Jeffery emphasized the importance of a growth mindset in students. They aim to teach every student that while they may not have all the skills of every discipline, they bring unique strengths to the table, and they have to try and fail in order to progress.
In fact, another powerful weapon against impostor syndrome is embracing failure. It isn鈥檛 something to be dreaded; in fact, it鈥檚 a huge part of learning.
This is a major part of Professor of Physics and Astronomy Cassandra Paul鈥檚 educational philosophy, as she both helps mentor students through impostor syndrome and deals with it herself.
She remembers impostor syndrome affecting her deeply as an undergraduate, but has found that over the years, many factors have helped ease the pain of it, including becoming a mother. 鈥淏eing a mom is about failing and recovering every day,鈥� she says. 鈥淚 think my story with impostor syndrome is about recognizing how much failure is intertwined with success and how often you have to make mistakes in order to learn.鈥�
She tries to impart this lesson to her students: 鈥淭he fact that I made a lot of mistakes didn't mean that I was wrong or didn't belong there, it just meant I was trying.鈥� It鈥檚 served her well over the years.
鈥淚 wouldn't say I've overcome [impostor syndrome],鈥� she concludes, 鈥渂ut it definitely doesn't creep its ugly head in anywhere near as often as it used to.鈥�
CAPS Director Lee agrees. 鈥淚ndividuals should be willing to take risks, even if they doubt their qualifications, skills or experiences. Seeking new experiences can help challenge any negative assumptions students may have about themselves.鈥� CAPS counselors help students 鈥渙vercome negative self-beliefs, manage anxiety-inducing situations, and cultivate a growth mindset focused on individual strengths while reducing perfectionism.鈥�
鈥淚'm trying to help [students] flip the narrative from 鈥楳aybe I shouldn't have鈥� to 鈥楳aybe I just need to be the first.鈥欌��
鈥� Lesther Papa
Stop comparing yourself to others
Paul also learned from another adage: 鈥淐omparison is the thief of joy.鈥�
As a physics undergraduate, she remembers a visit she made to the only female physics professor in the department. 鈥淚 went to her office, and I just started crying, telling her how hard physics was for me and how I didn't feel like I knew anywhere near as much as anybody else in the class, and that everybody else was always raising their hand, and I always felt lost. And she said, 鈥楲isten to what the people say when they raise their hand. Most of the time they're just repeating what the professor had said previously. You鈥檙e assuming they have all this knowledge that they actually don't have.鈥欌��
鈥淭hat was the key for me,鈥� Paul explains. 鈥淚t was an 鈥榓ha鈥� moment. I started to listen more and realize all these other people didn't actually know as much as I thought they did. And it was also probably the start of me trying not to compare myself to other people. I don't know what's going on in their heads. I don't know what's driving their success. I don't know what constraints or supports or anything that they have. So that conversation was very helpful.鈥�
Focus on the work, not the results
Paul went on to earn a Ph.D. and countless grants and awards, including the. But as she points out, success is not always the key to overcoming impostor syndrome. She was reminded of this recently when a professor she deeply admired spoke via Zoom to her physics class and expressed her own insecurities.
鈥淚 look up to this woman incredibly, and she talked to my small class and afterwards she [said she] was nervous and she was feeling like a fraud,鈥� Paul remembers.
鈥淎nd I realized, 鈥業t doesn't go away. This is a feeling you may have forever. Maybe it'll get easier to deal with, but maybe it won't.鈥� Paul鈥檚 conclusion was simple: 鈥淭here are still ways to overcome impostor syndrome that don't have anything to do with being successful. I think the best way is to focus on your efforts rather than external metrics of success.鈥�
鈥淓ventually you have so many people rallying around you and wanting to see you succeed that the little negative voice in your head holds no weight.鈥�
鈥� Serena Ortiz
Find a community
In the end, every person鈥檚 experience with impostor syndrome is different. But I found it remarkable as I researched and wrote this story to see echoes of the same wisdom. Time and again, the best antidote anyone could offer to the poison of impostor syndrome was a simple one: community.
If you suffer from impostor syndrome, know that you are not alone. And if you seek out others 鈥� mentors, peers, groups, counselors 鈥� you鈥檒l see the threads connecting you to other sufferers. They鈥檒l help you; you鈥檒l help them.
It鈥檚 not a silver bullet, but it鈥檚 surprisingly effective. If you grow your community, as Ortiz explains, 鈥淓ventually you have so many people rallying around you and wanting to see you succeed that the little negative voice in your head holds no weight.鈥�
After all, we can鈥檛 all be impostors.
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